


Millie Meats Muggles

by RonChee



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Body Horror, Body Modification, Body Worship, Comedy, Crack, Drinking, Everything eventually, F/M, Foot Fetish, Funny, Genderbending, Genderswap, Hermaphrodites, Humor, M/M, Muggle/Wizard Relations, Muggles, Non-Consensual Body Modification, Origin Story, Pranks and Practical Jokes, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recreational Drug Use, Sharing a Body, Smut, Sort Of, Sortof, Swearing, The Author Regrets Nothing, Trans Character, Underage Drinking, Weird Biology
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-11
Updated: 2020-02-11
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:47:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22658056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RonChee/pseuds/RonChee
Summary: A Valentine's Day gift of a penis in a box alters Millicent Bulstrode's life forever as she goes out to meet her destiny in the muggle world.Clear to anyone who notices details I spelled it meat in the title so you know what's happening here, this is smut, 100% pure from the mountains of cyberspace with some crack thrown in for flavor.
Relationships: Are meant to be a surprise, But only barely and they're not even in the first chapter, Can fish feel joy?, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, I hate this category sometimes, I know dolphins can but like a tuna?, Okay fine - Relationship, Relationship tags ruin stories, There's still not going to be any relationship tags here no matter how long you keep reading.
Kudos: 10





	Millie Meats Muggles

Hermione sighed as she got back to her and Ron's apartment and hadn't that been a headache in a half getting the man to move out of the Burrow! Worse yet he'd wanted them to build a house right next to it and didn't understand why she might like a little distance from the loud and opinionated woman that thought Hermione was a dog that needed to be taught at times or so it felt. 

Not to mention the little problem of no electricity or internet. Hermione scoffed, like she'd give up modern conveniences for magic! Not to mention the occasional movie or TV show... She wasn't some entirely book obsessed maniac no matter what Ron thought of her at times.

That was probably the reason why he wasn't here, that and fact that being on the Chudley Cannons was his dream and England was one of the few countries that celebrated Valentine's Day. 

The owl was a pleasant surprise, as was the package and long- for Ron at least- letter. 

"'Dear Hermione, sorry I couldn't make it but this game's gearing up to be our big one, Sanders is no Harry but I figure she could give him a run for his money, and so fit too... Well, she could have back when he as a first year maybe but she could!' Yes lovely, talk about another girl while sending her a valentines letter, lovely Ron." Hermione scoffed.

"'Anyway, we're in this real dump of a place- I do not recommend a visit to Armininia-' Armenia did he mean? '-anyway I saw this and, heh, well, I couldn't help but think of you, it's not a book but hopefully you'll enjoy this. It's a bit used but hopefully you won't mind, only one owner, honest! - Love Ron... Well... they say it's the thought that counts..." Hermione muttered, braving the box, the owl having long since retreated to it's perch. 

Opening it she saw...

"That's a penis." Hermione couldn't help but say.

"That's a very specific penis and a pair of balls, I recognize these genitals. Why did Ron send me his penis?" Hermione wondered baffled. Poking it.

It was.. warm... "Oh Merlin, he's splinched himself again.. though this one's cleaner and he's healed it up so there's no gaping wound- he did this on purpose... That slimy bastard sent me his dick for Valentine's day!? Ugh! That man! Does he have a single romantic bone in his body? Well, he certainly doesn't now. What, does he think that he doesn't have to even be in the same country as me to use me?" Hermione watched more angry than amused as the dick in the box grew hard from a single poke. 

"The garbage disposal maybe?" Hermione wondered aloud. 

She shook her head, "No, too quick... Hm..." Getting an idea she wrote a letter, closing the box up and wrapping it all back sending it off with a slightly manic grin.

* * *

Millicent Bulstrode frowned at the letter reading it again in disbelief.

'Hello Millicent, thought I'd give you a little valentines cheer, an asshole I know sent this to me and I thought you might enjoy doing whatever you liked to it, he deserves it. It's from a pureblood if that matters to you. Happy Valentine's Day!'

It was, sadly enough, the nicest valentine's day present she's had and she hasn't even opened it. She knew she was a bigger girl, and not very pretty but... Damn, this really made it hit home. 

Opening the box she saw the penis and testicles and snorted before laughing. "Some wizard sent some chick his dick and bits in a box and pissed them off enough with it to send it to _me_? Merlin, I ain't even mad, I'll take it. It will make me feel better when I'm figuring how to make polyjuice permanent and actually work on me in the first place, or a weight loss potion or something." She nodded frowning as she was about to pull it out.

Sighing she glared at the thing- she couldn't use it yet! Well, not like intended at least. She glanced at the letter, 'Whatever I like, huh?" Millie wondered...Hurting the thing could be fun, she liked hurting people... Taking off her shoe and sock she put it on the bottom of her foot sliding the sock back on over it and carefully to keep it under her arch slid back on her shoe rather liking the feeling of the warm thing pressed against her foot even as it grew under her. She then stood up imaging a wizard somewhere was having a very bad day.

* * *

"Playing hard to get huh?" Ron said with a laugh as he felt a poke then nothing. 

Hours later he felt something else. "Finally! Wait, what? Owww! Bloody Buggering hell that hurts! Oh Merlin!" 

* * *

Millie didn't usually like standing while she was brewing potions, she was bigger girl and her legs and feet did not care for it, not at all.

She didn't mind today though, it was fun having something to squish underfoot, and she finally finished drinking the potion that would prevent her getting pregnant. 

Heading to the bathroom she undressed careful not to look down and see her huge belly. The only thing she liked about herself was that she was strong but... thanks to some unfortunate troll heritage gaining muscle was easy. Losing fat? Not so much, even with potions all of which needed some fiddling and getting rid of fat without dissolving muscle was difficult it turned out.

Pulling out the sweaty slimy penis in her sock while the bath was running and giving it a hard scrub in the sink rinsing it off then putting the now flaccid thing in her mouth giggling as it grew within, playfully chewing on it.

* * *

"Finally! Owww, bloody hell why would you- not so hard! Oh, that's her mouth ain't it? Ow! Don't bite it you psycho woman!"

"And that right there team is why you never send your dick to a witch as a valentines day gift."

"Shut up Brad!" Ron squeaked.

Brad laughed a did more than a few of the other players.

* * *

Pulling it out by the balls when it was hard Millie quickly shoved it under the bathwater with her shoving it in her and groaning, it felt so much better than her fingers! She wished it was a bit longer and thicker but she had a wand quickly did so drilling it in and out of her with a fury having it felt orgasm after orgasm, this thing was great! Even if she figured out how to make herself pretty she'd be keeping it, she decided. 

* * *

"Ohoh, you kinky girl you want it large eh? Wish she'd eas up her grip though, Merlin I had no idea she liked it this rough, wish she'd ease up." Ron said before tripping, his head feeling rather light. "How big did she make the blasted thing? Worse yet why can't I cum? How long's she going to torture me for!?"

* * *

Once she was done, or at least by the time her skin was too wrinkled- thank Merlin for petrifying spells- she got out extracting the thing giving it a quick wash. 

Then she had a rather devious idea for the next morning. She put it in the sink figuring he could pee in there and not bother her and went to bed.

* * *

Ron had the worst case of blueballs in history, and if that weren't bad enough his wand was bloody freezing. 'Least the damned petrifying spell's worn off, Merlin that was terrible."

* * *

Millie woke up the next morning sore but a pleasant sore and was quickly in the shower with re-petrified penis using the showerhead and her new best friend as far as she was concerned and she wobbled out of the shower in a daze of pleasure an hour later.

Grabbing her wand she carefully lined up the penis right above her clit and with a temporary sticking charm and finited it, both shrinking it shockingly pleasurably around her clit squeezing it deliciously and unpetrifiying it. She frowned as it didn't shrink right away but shrugged it off getting dressed.

* * *

Ron groaned as he again turned flaccid without release wondering why she was being worn. It felt funny, and it made him blush it did- he was being worn like one of them strappy-ons or whatever they were called that Hermione liked. He shuddered and looked about him but she wasn't here. Though even when she wasn't she was torturing him with weird muggle sex things it seemed. 

* * *

Millie wasn't the most comfortable in the muggle world at the bet of time, with a dick wrapped around her clit stimulating her with every step.. well, the world seemed a much nicer place and she didn't much mind. 

"Hi, do you have an appointment?"

"I don't- can I make one now?"

"Ah, don't sweat it, don't have anything down for a couple hours, what do you need?"

"Well, I'd like.. you know those small studs? I'd want rows of them, say two rows on top, two rows on bottom, and one row on each side, say 6 or however many you think can fit."

"Oh, on your tongue or...?" 

Millie blushed, "On my penis, I'm sort of.. both?"

"Oh! I.. Okay I can do that." The man said sounding.. happy to?

Millie grinned at the shockingly interesting looking tattoo artist who was looking at her with something other that revulsion to her surprised delight. 

* * *

Ron screamed bloody murder as he felt his penis getting pierced with spikes.

Practice was canceled but everyone was very amused. 

* * *

"Call me when you're healed up in a few weeks huh?"

"S-sure, I'd love to!" Getting pierced had felt surprisingly good too, the sensations traveling down to her clit wonderfully.

Who knew all she needed to turn her luck around was a penis?

* * *

Ron shuddered feeling something wrong but unsure what, the pain had stopped at least, that had to be alright.

* * *

Millie got home and wasted no time peeling back the bandages and healing her favorite toy up by hand with some salve enjoying how it became hard in her hand and enjoying how it felt on her clit, and she couldn't help keep doing it, shocking her with a massive spray of cum. She giggled, "That was fun." Millie decided. 

"Now I have a letter to write... But who to? What muggleborns do I even know?"

* * *

Ron fell off the broom in pleasure and sock already asleep by the time he hit the ground. Thankfully magical healing was damned good.

* * *

Hermione glanced at the letter and read with surprise.

"Oh how wonderful! Let's see... Dear Millie, of course I forgive you- the duel just got a little... out of hand- I'll have you know that I was trying to hurt you as badly as you were me- you just were better at it back then." Hermione wondered if that was too catty but blocked out that thought to block out the resultant remembrance of just how catlike that event had become.

"A phone is a device that lets you talk to other people far away like a floo. Just pick up the handle looking thing, the bit closest to the cord being the microphone you speak into and furthest away being the speaker you listen to, put it against your ear and dial the number one at a time and wait for it to start ring, they should then pick up if they're home. Oh, and to find a payphone, there's one out the leaky, you'll need muggle money so go to the goblins first or you can use the one at my apartment-"

* * *

"Bouncy bouncy bouncy." Millie chanted bouncing up and down watching the flaccid member bounce along with her tits. 

* * *

Ron groaned in his hospital bed resulting in an overnight stay and many more disgusting potions. His penis was even regrown but to his slight pleasure and increasing horror as the bouncing continued he could still feel the old one. 

* * *

"Bouncy Bounce! That was surprising fun." Millie said, maybe she was a bit giddy but she had a date! Shame it was with a muggle that wanted a penis clearly and thought that she'd need weeks to heal. Maybe.. maybe she could find a muggle that didn't know the piercings were recent?

* * *

Hermione blinked but shrugged dictating another letter- it was so nice being able to do that out of school and not needing to do the work herself to not bother anyone. 

"Dear Millie, Sure I'll help you, there are these things called dating sites now, I can set up a profile for you on a few if you want to come by- it's rather complicated to explain over parchment."

* * *

"Okay, now this one is ..well, it's for fetishes and.. since you have- that- well.."

"I know you sent it to me, I recognized the writing, you should have used a dictoquill you hadn't made write with your handwriting. I know the default is blocky but it's always handy to have an anonymous means of communication." 

Hermione blushed brightly. "Oh. Well, don't tell him okay?"

"Of course not, I"m keeping it."

Hermione sighed in relief. 

"Okay, so this site lets you say what your fetishes are matching you up with guys or girls or even couple or more that match.. Um, fetishes are things during sex you'd like more or less..."

"Can you show me on the box-" "Computer." "-right, can you show me what those are?"

"I.. I guess." Hermione blushed

"Wow, people, huh. Weird. I wouldn't mind anything with anyone, with magic none of it would even bother me, I'd just have to mix up a few potions, check them all I guess."

Hermione's eyes were wide but she hit select all.

"Okay next is.. well.. pictures."

"Oh.. do we have to?"

"I.. I guess not but you should- they'll be mean and disappointed if you don't I'm afraid.. Um, this site wants.. well, as much nudity as you're comfortable with..."

"I don't mind, uh, could you take my pictures?"

Hermione swallowed dryly, why did she think helping others was a good idea again? Right, altruism. "Of course Millie."

* * *

"Where's my penis Hermione, and why was that snake chick here?" Ron demanded to know without so much as a hello.

Hermione withheld her giggle barely.

"I don't know Ron, isn't that it?" Hermione pointed to the small bulge in his robe.

"Millicent was here because strangely enough I think we've become friends by the way."

"You know what I mean! The one I owled to you! Being friends with a snake has clearly addled your brains"

"Don't be absurd, your penis is right there, and I haven't gotten any mail from you for weeks. Who would be dumb enough to mail a penis?" Hermione said with no little bite, 'Addled my brains had it, pfft!' Hermione thought with disdain.

"Uh.. but.. I did." Way to prove her point!

"Well I never got it maybe the owl dropped it?"

"Oh Merlin!"

"By the way Ron?"

"Yeah?"

"Mailing a penis to me? Even if I didn't get it, that's the last straw, I want a divorce."

"But Mione-"

"Nope."

"But..."

"Nuh-uh."

"How about one last-"

"Pass."

"But!"

"Avis." Ron ran from the birds. Just like old times, she did like that spell Hermione thought.

"Right, even if I'm not upset this is an excuse for ice cream." Hermione decided. 

"Maybe.. maybe I should sign up for that dating site too... Millie had a point and Merlin know Ron got boring within the first week." Hermione slowly nodded, "Signing up can't hurt, why not! I don't need to date a wizard, none of them are interested in my experiments but I bet a muggle would be fascinated! Granted, he won't know what it is but neither would a wizard..."

* * *

Millie walked toward the meeting place in a daze- she'd arranged a date so fast her head span- Hermione.. Hermione was clearly the best friend she'd always been needing and never knowing it. A shame she obviously didn't care for her looks- though she'd liked what she'd done with Ron's penis- though had been rather surprised she was wearing it. 

"Millie?"

"Hi, um, Eric right?" Millie was surprised at the slightly thin but very muscular man who was looking at her with.. well, he was undressing her with his eyes! It was a first for sure, and she didn't know how to take it.

"Yeah, um, please sit!" He rapidly pulled out the chair for her and she flushed. "Thank you." 

"So, would you like a coffee?"

"I.. Don't know I don't go to these places... Do they have anything sweet?"

"Do you like chocolate?"

"Love it."

"I'll get you a chocolate with caffeine- they call it something funny- iced cocoa mocha latte if that's okay?"

"Sure!" Sounds silly but it's chocolate.

"Here you go, give it a try." 

She did and moaned "So good!"

"I'll say." He muttered and she was blushing worse than ever as he finally tried his drink too.

"So your profile said you were a chemist, what exactly do you do anyway?"

"It's mostly a lot of mixing ingredients for a specialty delivery business- I couldn't possibly go into details though- confidentially agreements." At least Millie thought that's what Hermione said to say.

"Oh, okay, is it good money?"

"Absolutely fantastic and best of all I work from home."

"You're not a meth chef are you?"

"What's meth? I guess mixing chemicals is a bit like cooking I admit, but I wouldn't tell that to my chemistry professor, I think he'd have had a stroke." It was rather nice to find out he'd survived having stuffed a bezoar in his mouth and when alone replaced himself with a polyjuiced corpse that maintained his form in death. Shame he got on America's Top Chef to see what the fuss was about in what he mocked as "Potions uglier dumber Brother.." 

"Uh, no, it's - well a bad drug, never met anyone that didn't know what it was at all before."

"I spent most of the last decade in a rather isolated boarding school."

"Oh, that explains it."

"So what do you do again? Something with films?" Millie carefully pronounced the last word.

"Right, I guess I should admit up front I film.. well" He looked left and right to make sure no one was listening far too obviously then drew everyone's attention by whispering "Porn." 'Clearly the man hadn't been a Slytherin.. Well, he was a muggle, so that should go without saying but he wouldn't have been', Millie thought. 

"Porn... That's the stuff where naked people are on the computer right? I like that stuff." Millie said watching as the man choked on his drink.

"Uh! Right... Anyway I was hoping you'd do some with me..."

"Alright."

"Huh?"

"My friend told me most guys would be on there just to have kinky sex, this would just be that plus a camera right?"

"Well, yes, not so loud though-"

"Whispering draws attention- people tune out most strangers conversations not caring about other people all that much."

"R-really?"

Millie nodded.

"Um, so if you're willing shall we?"

"Hold on-" Millie said rapidly drinking the rest of her delicious drink. 

"Uh, you can bring those cups with you."

"Oh. Can you buy me another to go please?"

"Ha! A woman who knows what she wants- er you do go by woman don't you? Hey they really aren't paying attention, you were right."

"I am a woman, just one with an extra accessory. My favorite in fact, and you're wise to test it out yourself, and yes I do mean both ways." 'He'd have been a Ravenclaw no doubt' Millie thought amused. 

"Ohoh, I like that."

Millie stood up joining the man- 'What was his name again?' Millie wondered, 'Oh right, Eric!'- Millie joined Eric on his trek to the counter watching him exchange the funny money for deliciousness. Millie licked her lips.

"So erm, do you have anything you won't do? No one's that good honestly."

"As long as you tell me before hand if it wasn't something on that list and give me a day or two to prepare I'm willing to do anything. Oh.. I guess I can't pee out of my penis though." Millie told him. For some reason only cum seemed to come out of it these days.

"That's fine, I... I think I've hit the jackpot."

"What does that mean?" Millie asked confused.

"Nothing bad!" The man held up his hands like she was going to hit him.

"What? I just don't know what a jackpot is." A confused but amused Millie said.

"Uh, wow, your boarding school was really religious or something strange wasn't it?" The rather relieved looking man said.

"Strange, definitely." You only had to watch a Gryffindor or a Hufflepuff for a few minutes before they did something weird it seemed.

"Well, there's this gambling game- oh you have heard of gambling- well this one you pull a lever and that moves shapes- three in a row wins. A jackpot is a big win, I think we can make a lot of money and have a hell of a lot of fun together." 

"Oh, agreed, this is a jackpot." Millie said excited. She hadn't realized she'd be getting paid, life was awesome.

* * *

Ron scratched his head. "Why do I feel an impending sense of doom? It feels like one of Mum's Howler's hitched a ride on a rouge bludger, it does." 

"That's a great idea for a prank!" One of the Twins said, Ron felt bad that he wasn't sure which and had been avoiding them for a while given one had died and he didn't even know which, but he had gone to whichever one was left to go drinking to celebrate- he meant mourning the passing of a marriage with a round at a bar. The Twin was a happy drunk, Ron knew that much.

"Yeah, we'll call them a Ronald Valentine's Special." The other Twin said to Rons confusion.

"Shut up guys, and Fred aren't you supposed to be dead?" Ron took a stab at the name.

"I'm a ghost, you honestly haven't noticed me all this time?" Fred apparently- Ron still wasn't absolutely sure.

"Oh. No." Ron admitted. 

"We shouldn't have dropped him on his head I must say the now and forever Fred the dead." George said. 'Bastards' Ron thought half fondly taking another big drink.

"Hit his head too hard." Fred agreed. 

"Wait, weren't you the one that died?" Fred asked to Ron's confusion.

"I don't remember. This is what happens when you overdose on fertility potions I guess." The living twin said.

"Wait, Mom was on fertility potions?-" Ron started.

"I'm scared George or Fred."

"Me too buddy."

"Me three." A very confused and worried Ron said. He wasn't quite sure about what but if the Twins were scared- they who had and were mocking death, he was very afraid indeed.

"Me four."

All three of them turned to the ghostly Fred who had spoken that from the other side of the room having phased through the floor.

"What, I can't agree twice? Then what's good about being dead? I wish someone had cut off my head or me down the middle or stabbed me to death with a swordfish, now that would have been hilarious!" The ghost grumbled good naturedly.

"Instead Peeves is trying to date me... He's getting pretty good at turning into a woman, I'm getting tempted you guys." The ghost admitted.

"Can I be your best man?" The living twin asked.

"Who else?"

Ron shivered again and this time it wasn't for any reason than in front of his eyes.

"Oh yes ladies and gentleman especially, Peeves has arrived!" Yes she had, Ron thought in disbelief, she looked rather like Hermione. Ron glanced at the twins who both looked rather dazed and scratched his head confused again.


End file.
